Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Warning: Pity Party Ahead

My self-esteem sucks. I guess it's time for a big ol' pity party starring myself. Actually, I shouldn't joke about it because I don't like myself right now. Yesterday, I spent a few hours with some old friends and had lunch. I'm always happy to see them but when I leave I usually have a couple days where I can't stand anything about myself. In their presence, I feel frumpy, old and no fun at all. They all were married, with multiple children, at one time. Now, they are all single, have boyfriends, their hair and make-up is done to the hilt, they sport fake nails, are tanned to perfection, go shopping, smoke cigarettes, party and have a great time. I guess when I'm with them and listening to them talk.... all I can think about is how boring with a capital B my life sounds in comparison.

Them: "Oh my God.... you should have seen the great time we had at the concert last weekend. Everyone was there. Afterwards, we went dancing and hot-tubbing til 3a.m. It was so hard to get up the next day to go shopping but I had a tanning appointment at 10 so I forced myself. Hey what do you think of this new shirt I got the other day? It's a size 4 which is great because we all wear the same size and can share all our fabulous clothes. Do you have a light? Thank God I'm not married anymore to that bastard - all he did was make my life miserable but I never did anything to him. Can you imagine the nerve.... thinking I had anything to do with why our marriage didn't work?"

Me: (thinking) Well, last night we had a game of Dominoes where I got my ass kicked. The only dancing I did was when I stepped on a My L'il Pony hairbrush in the dark when I had to get up to let the cat in. I don't have any new clothes right now because I'm trying my damnedest to lose 50lbs and don't want to spend the money on something I hope to God won't fit me in 2 weeks. I would love to have a drag of a cigarette but I promised my husband I wouldn't smoke anymore and that was almost four years ago plus I'm deathly afraid I'd be hooked again with the first puff. "

I've always thought that there was a very fine line between love and hate. My marriage consists of being at or over the line. Sometimes hovering over it and sometimes totally flopped on one side or the other. Some days I hate what he does, other days I love what he does but everyday I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Last night as we lay in bed, softly talking in the dark, I was telling him about my day, how I felt like a big, ol' frump of an old lady and he chuckled. "Please don't laugh, Gary. I know you think it's crazy that I feel this way but I just wanted to talk to someone about it." I said to him. He gave me a big, snuggly, manly hug and said gently to me "I'm not laughing at you... I'm laughing at them. I think you are the most beautiful, sexy woman, Sheri. You have are more class than anyone I've ever met and I love you more than anything."

Today, we are on the love side of things. But I still feel like a frump.

21 comments:

Marie said...

Oh Sheri hon,

You're not alone in your pity party. I understand what you're going through, and it ain't fun. I won't rain on your pity party by contributing to it.

The holdays don't make it any better, do they ?

Feel free to email and vent all you'd like.

I'm thinking of ya.

PS: Gary scores some major points in my book!!!!

ccw said...

Your husband is right.

There are fleeting moments when I long for the carefree ways of my single friends, but then I remember the drama of it all and am thankful that I have someone that makes me happy even when I feel like crap. Plus, I think my kids are wonderful. Games at home is a great way to spend time; it won't be that way forever.

Sarah said...

Struggles with self-esteem are SO hard, and women are better at it than anyone. Remember this: your friends likely struggle with many of the same kinds of thoughts. They go home to nobody, thinking, I wish I had a husband who loved me like Sheri. The grass is always greener kind of thing.
I loved reading how Gary responded to you last night, though. Made me sigh.

These thoughts ebb and flow...holidays are hard, too, and tend to magnify things. Ride it out.
And Sheri? You are beautiful.
xo

Julie said...

Please Always, Always remember that you are not alone in the way you feel about yourself. I have to have the lowest self esteem around. Ask Mel, she yells at me on a daily basis for it.
No, I'm not that over-weight, well, maybe by about 25 pounds for someone with a small body frame and only 5 feet tall. My husband and I are in in that same love hate relationship, but maybe not as severly as you seem to be at times. I have never been a smoker so I don't have the cravings you have...BUT, I have an ugly face with extreme skin problems that I refuse to waste money on curing, I feel like a worthless piece of something I'd rather not say because Hubby is the bread winner and I don't feel like I've contributed at all in the last 13 years. I feel that EVERYONE, including you, is on a higher pedastal than I am. When I try to have a conversation with someone, for some reason I always get cut off or interrupted, like what I have to say isn't important. I could go on but please believe me when I tell you you are so NOT alone. I've seen pictures of you Sheri, You are a beautiful woman. And if you are happy with staying home with hubby and baby girl then that's as it should be. If you aren't happy being at home all the time you have the power to change that. Make a "date" with hubby and a few friends once a month and party half the night. Hannah would be fine with a babysitter. And one night a month of no sleep won't kill you. Trust me! And as far as the new clothes go, Look at all the money you are saving! I personally love the look of loungewear! Very Sexy!
I won't go on, I hate leaving long comments like this one. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Email if you ever need to talk, from one low self-esteemer to another. Luvs to you and smile! IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME>>>OF THE YEAR!! Just look at Hannah's little face and you'll forget all your frumpyness! Kisses Jellybean!

Sue said...

Get real! I know who you're talking about and they only THINK they have a life. The things you have are REAL, not fake or acrylic or dyed. You have a kid that still lives with you, a husband that adores you, a house that you're paying for, a family that loves you, gorgeous looks, craftiness, and incredible wit! Love the my little pony bit! Don't throw a pity party, throw a witty party! You've got it girl!

3outta5 said...

Ya know Sheri..... I can relate to the frumpy stuff. I can pretty much guarantee I am the LEAST fashionable person you know. Remember? I'm the person who's clothes all come from the FEED STORE.

There comes a time in everyone's life where they have to GROW UP. Being a grown up is not bad. Being a grownup sometimes requires things like going to bed well before 3 am. Being a grownup also has fringe benefits like a husband that is there for you all the time, even when he is a pain in the ass.

I've watched my aunt do what your friends are doing. EXACT same scenario. Know what? Eventually her 12 years young boyfriend left her, and now she is old(ish) and all alone. And desperate. And lonely.

And my mom, who chose to stay home, be a mom, and not have the party lifestyle.... she has a happy home, a husband who loves her and kids who think she is the greatest....

It all comes down to a matter of choices. We all make them, and sooner or later we have to live with them. I, for one, would rather live my simple life, content with my same ol' husband and the security that is my home....

And I don't think you are frumpy at all.

(Gee, that got kind of long winded for a comment, didn't it?)

Chicka said...

Aw hon. Hang in there. We can frump together, k? I wish I had a magic wand. ((HUGS)).

I'm a click away if you want. I've got mighty big shoulders.

FunkyB said...

But just think, Sheri... they're out there shopping and dating, HOPING they'll find someone who will take them in a big ol' snuggly and say the perfect thing.

I've been on both sides -- married, then divorced, the remarried. I can say that the inbetween status, though I said it was grand, was NOT the highlight.

lime said...

wow, does gary give lessons on what to say when you really need to hear it? i'd give my eye teeth for that kind of sensitivity.

lime said...

btw, HNT this week is supposed to be about giving gifts. i left one for you at http://insaneasylime.blogspot.com

Jack said...

I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I think you're cool.
Merry Christmas

. said...

Sheri...I am going to give you a small hint of my post for tomorrow because it does relate to what you just posted but from the opposite perspective. I still secretly miss my former life. YEs I am gay and I know it would have never worked, however my guess is that those women probably go on and on because they are trying to convice you how happy they are.

YOU have the life I miss. I know...I am a freak but I miss the simplicity of my life with my wife and 3 kids...together. Things are so complicated with X-spouses and kids living in different homes every week. Hell yea they parties are great but I would trade all the parties and debauchery to have kept my family together.

Melody said...

Everyone needs a pity party once in a while...god knows I've had my share in the past couple of months. I would LOVE to be invited to yours any day of the week. I know I've said it before but it just seems to be appropriate to say it again...I LOVE that you are back in my life...I missed you for many years and now I feel like we have come full circle. You make me smile...even if you are an 'old frump'(I am one too). I love you!

Larry said...

I'm with Jack. I think you're cool too (and lucky).

:)

Kim said...

men just suck. Here you are in the middle of a perfectly good pity party and he has to go and ruin it with mushy love talk, the fucker.

Come on over Sheri, I have a good bottle of wine. We can compare fat rolls and see who has the nastiest feet.

(also read ... I know exactly how you feel honey.)

Tatiana said...

And you should NOT feel that way!!!!!! I am almost positive they would give anything to be in your shoes, I mean happily married and LOVED; and receive that "big, snuggly, manly hug" of the person whom they've spent many years (good and bad)...
My dear, there is NOTHING fancy in being "single after". That I can guarantee you. :(

Gina in N'Awlins said...

AWWWWWWWWWW - your DH is right! I was laughing at them too ;~)

XOXOX

Tom said...

Ok, I know I never post comments. And I sure do love a good pity party, with ice cream and romantic movies as much as the next person. But trust me, as a youth minister I get to see the high school and college kids' single lives.

You couldn't pay me anything to go back to that old way of living. The not knowing if you're handsome or pretty enough (so you have to make yourself up every day to feel good about yourself).

Not knowing whether tomorow you'll be single or have someone to share stories with. If I royally screw up, or just get pissy with Erin, I know she won't be gone. I wouldn't trade the stability and knowing I have someone to help raise our daughter for anything.

So I agree, laugh at them. They're so worried about who they are they're still making themselves up to look good even when hanging out with friends!

Peace,
+Tom

Anonymous said...

Sheri - I did the single thing for too long and I want to tell you even with all that bluster - they go home at night ALONE. And alone they sit there and they cry. I used to. I wanted someone in my life whether I hate him one day or love him the next - he's mine and I have someone to be with on those lonely nights now. You're no frump but you are loved.

Donna

momacita said...

SHERI,,,WOW,NOT MANY PEOPLE SPELL SHERI LIKE WE DO.I'M SHERI TOO.GURL,,YOU ARE VERY PRETTY AND BEING SINGLE SHYT IS NOT THST FUN.BUT I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.IVE ALWAYS BEEN SIZE 5-7 MY WHOLE LIFE.2 YRS AGO I GOT HUGE!!! LIKE 50 LBS. WORTH.BUT I STILL HAVE HUBBY.ENJOY THAT GUY AND BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GURL.

Tammy said...

Honestly Sheri, I was laughing "at them" before you got to the part where Gary said that. All I can think was ... that's not real life, not for the long haul.

What you have is real. It's work. It's about choosing the best. We gain weight (I gained 80!!!) and we have to deal with it. We have to deal with the fact our husbands aren't perfect. We have to deal with the fact we have responsibilities AND the guts to follow through on them.

I for one, could not imagine a more amazing person to be around then someone who loves her husband and daughter like you do. It's life and it's real and it will last...

And if it's any consolation, I've learned I'm still a frump dresser even 80 pounds lighter. It's called being comfortable... fwiw... ((((hugs))))