My self-esteem sucks. I guess it's time for a big ol' pity party starring myself. Actually, I shouldn't joke about it because I don't like myself right now. Yesterday, I spent a few hours with some old friends and had lunch. I'm always happy to see them but when I leave I usually have a couple days where I can't stand anything about myself. In their presence, I feel frumpy, old and no fun at all. They all were married, with multiple children, at one time. Now, they are all single, have boyfriends, their hair and make-up is done to the hilt, they sport fake nails, are tanned to perfection, go shopping, smoke cigarettes, party and have a great time. I guess when I'm with them and listening to them talk.... all I can think about is how boring with a capital B my life sounds in comparison.
Them: "Oh my God.... you should have seen the great time we had at the concert last weekend. Everyone was there. Afterwards, we went dancing and hot-tubbing til 3a.m. It was so hard to get up the next day to go shopping but I had a tanning appointment at 10 so I forced myself. Hey what do you think of this new shirt I got the other day? It's a size 4 which is great because we all wear the same size and can share all our fabulous clothes. Do you have a light? Thank God I'm not married anymore to that bastard - all he did was make my life miserable but I never did anything to him. Can you imagine the nerve.... thinking I had anything to do with why our marriage didn't work?"
Me: (thinking) Well, last night we had a game of Dominoes where I got my ass kicked. The only dancing I did was when I stepped on a My L'il Pony hairbrush in the dark when I had to get up to let the cat in. I don't have any new clothes right now because I'm trying my damnedest to lose 50lbs and don't want to spend the money on something I hope to God won't fit me in 2 weeks. I would love to have a drag of a cigarette but I promised my husband I wouldn't smoke anymore and that was almost four years ago plus I'm deathly afraid I'd be hooked again with the first puff. "
I've always thought that there was a very fine line between love and hate. My marriage consists of being at or over the line. Sometimes hovering over it and sometimes totally flopped on one side or the other. Some days I hate what he does, other days I love what he does but everyday I couldn't imagine my life without him.
Last night as we lay in bed, softly talking in the dark, I was telling him about my day, how I felt like a big, ol' frump of an old lady and he chuckled. "Please don't laugh, Gary. I know you think it's crazy that I feel this way but I just wanted to talk to someone about it." I said to him. He gave me a big, snuggly, manly hug and said gently to me "I'm not laughing at you... I'm laughing at them. I think you are the most beautiful, sexy woman, Sheri. You have are more class than anyone I've ever met and I love you more than anything."
Today, we are on the love side of things. But I still feel like a frump.