Sunday, December 11, 2005

No Say - It Sunday AGAIN

Sorry dear readers...... I couldn't think of anything to say to make Say It Sunday worthwhile. Now, you ask, what in God's name would make me think I have anything to write? Well.... I wanted to share my Christmas tree with you. It's not the Monster Tree of Maine that my friend Melody had the big kahoonas to allow in her house, but it did come out fairly pretty this year. Hannah helped me decorate it so the majority or the ornaments are a few feet from the ground. I tried to tell her to put all the unbreakable stuff near the bottom so when our 100 year old cat decides to get frisky with the tree, nothing gets broken.

My oldest decorations are some sparkly beads from my maternal great-grandmother, Hazel, who died in 1991 at the ripe old age of 92. I think they are from the 1920's or 30's. I like to picture her decorating her tree back then... in a dress, high heels and pearls. A cigarette hanging from her lips and a glass of Christmas cheer not far. I did have my Christmas cheer tonight when I decorated mine but I quit smoking almost 4 years ago. I can't stand up in high heels and haven't worn a dress in about 5 years. Oh well... Hazel was with me in spirit though.

We went out to get our tree today. It took all of 20 minutes to drive to the farmstand, find the perfect tree and throw it in the back of the truck. The poor guy working the farmstand looked all dejected because he didn't get to do his job to his full hired potential. The conversation he and I had went something like this:

Farmstand Guy: "Hey lady... I can net that tree for you if you like. It will only take a moment."

Me: "Huh? What? Net the tree? What for?"

Farmstand Guy: "Well, some people like to have their tree carefully wrapped in netting to help it travel better and protect the branches. Then, once you put it in the stand in your take the net off and gently release the branches."

Me: "Oh buddy.... we only live a mile down the road and don't you know that half the fun of this day for me is watching my husband wrestle a 4 foot wide tree through a 3 foot doorway and then proceed to knock every last thing off the wall from the doorway to the tree spot while spewing forth language** (and millions of pine needles) that would make a sailor blush? ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY CHRISTMAS JOY? No... I'll pass on the net....thank you very much."

***WARNING - the following is an outline of the violent handling of a sacred Christmas Tree. Please read at your own risk.

A Christmas tree farm worker would probably shudder in horror at the abuse my Christmas trees take. It gets thrown in the back of a truck. The bottom 3 inches of the trunk get brutally sawed off and the whole tree is slammed onto a pointy spike in the bottom of a tree stand and four large screws proceed to be driven into each side of it. The tree is then pulled and pushed through a doorway with a manly serenade (**see above) and unceremoniously dropped into the corner of the livingroom. A drunken woman (me!) proceeds to water said tree and overload it with at least 1452lbs of ornaments. A couple weeks later (December 25th approx 10am to be precise) the above events get repeated in reverse the the tree goes out to be stuck in a snowbank until spring. We do put stuff for the birds in the tree during the winter but once Spring arrives... the carcass of the tree goes onto the (gulp) burnpile where it is reduced to a small pile of ashes. And so it goes.............................................

Edited to add: Take a moment and check out my sister Sue's blog. She has the most awesome Christmas tree! It's a Moose Chew Bonsai Birch..... only in Maine~


Stephany said...

Your tree is beautiful!!! It is very fairy tale perfect, wish mine looked like that!!!

. said...

Nice nice tree! The only difference in your story and mine is my forgetting to water it and then Dec. 25th at 10 AM pulling said tree through the door and watching all dead needles fly through the air. Then the next 362 days pulling said needles out of carpet.

YEa...we do artificial NOW!

Melody said...

Pretty tree. Mine will be roughly, and with NO REGRET, removed from my living room at about the same time as yours and will spend the rest of it's life on my back deck.

ccw said...

Great post! Your tree is so pretty.

I would burn the tree down if I wore heels and still smoked. LOL

My husband still cusses like mad and we get the tree netted.

lime said...

oh your response to the tree guy is hilarious! i love it! verypretty picture and how nice that youhave some special family ornaments from so long ago!

Heather said...

Very pretty tree!! :) And I love your story about tree abuse. Too funny. :) Mine will be half bare by Xmas probably. Plus its always fun to see what ornaments will survive the dog and two kids this year!! :)

FunkyB said...

Man did you paint a lovely Hazel picture for me.
Devil be damned, I'm dressing up this year when we put up our tree... the whole nine yards. Want pictures? Hee hee.

Marie said...


Awesome tree! Thanks for sharing! And I actually read your post outloud to DH--yeah, it was that funny!!

Two things I'm gonna steal from ya (again--as a character from my favorite TV show once said, 'A good writer borrows others' words; a great writer ourtright steal them.' LOL) I think I'll take a shot of our tree and do a post about it. The tree is the best part of our holiday and we really enjoy it.

Also, where did you get that pick of the kids and throwing her "shit" everywhere. That is so what Jon and I are dealing with right now and I have to have it. Can I copy it or can you give me the addy where you found it?"

Have a good one!

PS--Thanks for the compliments on my gifts. They actually looked nicer than they were--not a big deal...

Sue said...

Thanks for the edit link to my blog! Hope to see you this weekend, the weather looks shitty on Friday! I hope it goes out to sea

Kerry said...

HI Sheri,

Haven't been around much, but I just got to catch up on your blog. I miss you when I'm away. Isn't it funny how you can miss someone you've never actually met?

Anyway, nice tree. If my tree weren't up already, I'd pull a Hazel, sans cigarette.


Julie said...

I absolutely love this post Sheri. It's amazing how we tend to punish ourselves when the simplest things (as in a net around the tree) would make our lives much easier.
My tree is artificial and is put up Thanksgiving night if not a few days earlier, depending on Hubby's shift that week. It is then decorated and the ornaments MUSt be put on "just so" and all the little faces have to be facing outward. It is cherished until at least a couple of days after Christmas and then all the decorations are packed neatly in tissue paper and placed in their boxes or a big tin box. The tree is taken apart very gently due to the fact that it is old and the branches are getting extremely weak
and then it is placed in it's own box and put into the shed for safe keeping until the following year. And Mel says I'm anal about Christmas! Now WHY would she say that?
Your tree is very pretty and Hannah did a remarkable job helping. Enjoy the next few days leading to the big events of the Holiday.

Chicka said...

Oh the horror of it all!!