Thursday, September 15, 2005

Razor Burn

I've read this in an email before and always find it hysterical. In case some of my readers hadn't had the pleasure of reading this before.......

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epi-lady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those"cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss...... How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in soI get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right)! I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinary!

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the waxed strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision starts returning and I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. SHIT!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out... must. stay. conscious... Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy -- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. SHIT! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.T hen I make the next BIG mistake.... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? yup, Sealed shut!.... Butt?? ... you betcha! Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - - - -"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now..... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! I scream into the phone. I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color...... after the itching stops.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

You must send this story to a magazine!!! At least they'll reward you for the pain. Damn it was so funny. Sheri you rock!
Please color in appropriate places... ;)

Sandi said...

Man what a way to wake up. Thanks for the laugh.
I wonder who it was that did this the first time, and then decided to write about it?

mainiax said...

my cheeks hurt from laughing all I could think of is this is something I would do. Now I know what not to do!!!

Mike Todd said...

Sounds like you should try using your grill as a hair-removal device. I guess Gary and Mom already thought of that, huh?

Joel said...

Oh...My...GAWD. I laughed so hard I am in tears and my jaw hurts. That was so freaking funny I am about to die. I am linking this post. Absolutely hysterical...

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I am a man!

Joel said...

Dammit girl! I want to link to this post but can't figure out for the life of me how to do it!!!

Joel said...

Never mind...

Julie said...

Awesome post Sheri! I'm having trouble containing the laughter...hell, I may as well just let it out. HAHAHAHAHA! I did the bikini SHAVE thing this summer...hubby said he wanted to see what it looked like so I surprised him by shaving til I was almost bald down there. IT HURT LIKE HELL! Not the shaving part BUT THE GROWING BACK IN PART! I will NEVER shave down there again...he's just going to have to live with it. I'd do anything for him cuz I love him EXCEPT THAT! One day he asked me to get the hair off his back...it ws making him itch at work somthing fierce so he went to the Walmart and bought some NAIR! He's the one that told me to so I put it on him. The bottle said leave on for like 6 minutes or somthing like that...after about two minutes the pain of burning flesh was so terrible that he was in tears. Here is a big strong burly man in tears over a little hair removal! Needless to say we are now both hairy gorilla's and he doesn't complain quite so much if there is a little (a very little) stuble on the legs...he totally understands the need for a break from it.

Have you tried the aloe yet? Let me know what you think.

Anonymous said...

omg this was sooo funny, i hope your womanly parts are doing ok... next time just try the good ole shaving cream and razor, it works just as good.

Beth said...

Sheri, after my week, I needed a good laugh. Thanks for giving it to me. This was my favorite post of yours ever! Priceless!

Beth said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kim said...

only you.

Sandi said...

I like the new background. Very elegant.

Cindy said...

Wow. :)

Unknown said...

Oh my!!