This post is not pleasant. If you love Gary and don't want to read my rotten thoughts about him then you'd probably want to stop reading now.
Today was the day I could have change my life and didn't. I froze and couldn't continue. I hate myself right now. I hate myself for not standing up to him and calling him on his threats. A speeding ticket nonchalantly given to me by Gary is what held the key.
Him: "Oh yeah, I got a ticket on the way home last night." He says this as he is sitting in his truck with the door open, one foot on the running board, thumbing through some papers from his trip that he just got home from.
Incrediously I scream "what?! where?! oh that's just great"
Him: "Don't start, Sheri. Do you think I did this on purpose?"
Me: "Yes, I think you drive fast on purpose. I can't believe this. Our insurance rates were just going to go down in November from the one you got 2 years ago. Why can't you slow down? Why do you have to drive so fast?"
Him: "Look, drop it. I don't want to talk about it anymore." Passes me his cup of coffee. "hold this"
Me: "Gary, you can't just say 'Oh I got a ticket' and expect me to not say anything. We talked about this the last time you got one and our insurance couldn't be renewed. It's not fair that I can't say how I feel about things without you getting all pissed off. It's ok if YOU get pissed off but I can't"
Him: "We have insurance"
Me: "yes and we pay out the ass for it"
Him: "Do you want me to kick you in the face? Shut up about it....stop pissing in my ear about this!"
Me: "Yeah Gary, why don't you kick me in the face - that would be nice"
Him: "fucking asshole!" and he slaps the cup of coffee, which flips towards me and flies all over the front of me.
I'm standing there not believing that he just did that. The man I've been married to for almost 22 years, who has never laid a finger on me, and now he slaps hot coffee in my face? In front of our daughter?! I feel myself beginning to really get angry, not caring if he does kick me in the face. Truthfully, I wish you would to end this fucking farce we live in. I tell Hannah to come with me we are leaving. "That's it" I'm thinking "I've had it. I am not spending one more minute with him. He has anger issues that he can't deal with and takes them out on me. He won't get himself help and he treats me like shit , tells me I'm the one with problems, and I continue to take it. What is wrong with me?" I go upstairs to change my shirt from the coffee and he follows me up there.
Him: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm changing and then Hannah and I are leaving. I don't know where we are going but I need to leave right now".
Him: "If you are ready to throw this marriage away over a cup of coffee, then go. But let me tell you one thing...if you walk out that door..you are NEVER coming back. I mean NEVER and you know I'm not kidding." He's glaring at me. I think he's serious. The thoughts swirling in my head: What if I go and he doesn't want me back? What am I going to do? How can I take care of Hannah? Where's Mom going to go? What about my house? What about my cats, dog and fish? Whos' going to take care of them? Will he smash everything I own if I leave? Oh thank God we have not bought our plane tickets for vacation yet. WIll my dad take me in? Will my sister take me in? Where do I go? Maybe he's right. Maybe I bitch too much. That must be it. I'm a nag. It's all my fault. I'm a horrible person. I can't leave because I might want to come back and he won't let me. I guess I'd rather live here miserable than leave. Yes! that's it. I'll keep staying because he wants me too even though I'm miserable. He nevers treats other people like he does me. He's always nice to others. Well, he is nice most times but when he's not, I'm retarded, a nag, I piss n' moan about everything, I 'm stupid, I know nothing." Hannah is looking at me with question in her eyes.
Me: "Fine Gary. You win. I can't leave because you won't let me come back."
Him" "That's right. You're out forever. Now, let's go get some lunch."
Yeah, this is my life.