I'm not sure why I'm needing to write this. I'm hoping by getting it out and hearing what others think, I can put it into perspective, sort it out and LET IT THE FUCK GO.
Someone from my past has come back into my life. This person, at one time, was very dear to me. Actually, my whole existence revolved around him. I've always wondered what became of him after he stomped the life out of my heart one day. In my mind, over the years I've always like to think that he wondered, also, what happened to me. Recently, a friend of mine was in a doctor's office and heard his name called out. "It can't be" she thought, but it was. They talked. About me. She filled him in on what had been going on in my life and he told her his. When I found this out, I got a funny feeling in my stomach and a tightening in my chest. I felt I needed to talk to him. Why would this happen after all these years? Why would the mere mention of him do this to me? I talked about it to my therapist. I have a vision of him at 17 that I can't get let go. He's still 17 to me. My therapist felt that I should talk to him, tell him I'm sorry about some things I did, let go of the bitterness towards him and move on... close (slam) the door to that part of my life.
We've talked. He's arrogant, selfish, full of himself and rude. He thinks the entire world revolves around him and probably in his mind, it does. He hasn't had it easy, but neither have I. His wife left him for someone else. I secretly am glad that he has felt the pain of that hurt too. Am I a bad person for thinking this? I feel like one. I care about him. I hate him. How can I care and hate someone at the same time? He took my young, 1st time love and trust and ground them with his heel.
It hurts me to think that I've based my loves on him and how I was treated by him. The hurt I felt when he left me was so all consuming I didn't think I would live through it. My heart was literally broken. Shattered into millions of pieces. It slowly came back together, but I think a piece is still missing. The innocent piece, the love 100% with all your heart piece, the piece that lets your heart feel love innocently. Where did it go?