Sunday, June 05, 2005

Perspectives

I'm not sure why I'm needing to write this. I'm hoping by getting it out and hearing what others think, I can put it into perspective, sort it out and LET IT THE FUCK GO.

Someone from my past has come back into my life. This person, at one time, was very dear to me. Actually, my whole existence revolved around him. I've always wondered what became of him after he stomped the life out of my heart one day. In my mind, over the years I've always like to think that he wondered, also, what happened to me. Recently, a friend of mine was in a doctor's office and heard his name called out. "It can't be" she thought, but it was. They talked. About me. She filled him in on what had been going on in my life and he told her his. When I found this out, I got a funny feeling in my stomach and a tightening in my chest. I felt I needed to talk to him. Why would this happen after all these years? Why would the mere mention of him do this to me? I talked about it to my therapist. I have a vision of him at 17 that I can't get let go. He's still 17 to me. My therapist felt that I should talk to him, tell him I'm sorry about some things I did, let go of the bitterness towards him and move on... close (slam) the door to that part of my life.

We've talked. He's arrogant, selfish, full of himself and rude. He thinks the entire world revolves around him and probably in his mind, it does. He hasn't had it easy, but neither have I. His wife left him for someone else. I secretly am glad that he has felt the pain of that hurt too. Am I a bad person for thinking this? I feel like one. I care about him. I hate him. How can I care and hate someone at the same time? He took my young, 1st time love and trust and ground them with his heel.

It hurts me to think that I've based my loves on him and how I was treated by him. The hurt I felt when he left me was so all consuming I didn't think I would live through it. My heart was literally broken. Shattered into millions of pieces. It slowly came back together, but I think a piece is still missing. The innocent piece, the love 100% with all your heart piece, the piece that lets your heart feel love innocently. Where did it go?

6 comments:

Sandi said...

Since I truly believe that a person only learns through pain and suffering, I feel that you have learned something meaningful. The first of anything is always the worst, but I think the first time you have your heart ripped out is never forgotten. However, never forgetting is easier when you see the meaning. In this case you probably only met G because of the situation between you and the other. Your whole life would have been different.

Take it from someone that has been forced to let go of first hate/loves, it will get easier now that you have voiced the emotions. Plus just think you could have been stuck with an arrogant, selfish, full of himself, rude person; oh wait, I fogot, you got most of that in my brother. LOL

As mom loves to say: This too shall pass.

Sue said...

The piece of your heart that is missing is a piece that you don't need. Like when you have your tonsils removed. That part of your heart was infected for awhile and fell off. You still have enough heart left to love and keep on living.
And feeling some kind of joy at someones elses pain, is totally normal. Don't
fret about this, or feel guilty.
Life is good!

Mizchelle said...

Aw Sheri, I wish I had an answer for you! I truly believe in karma, and the old saying "what goes around, comes around", so everything that's happened to him is his own doing. Rather than focusing on the past, take stock of your life now, and look at all that you do have. I look back at my life and wonder sometimes what would've happened if I did things differently, but I'm a much stronger person now. And you are too!

Melody said...

If this is who I think it is he was always quite arrogant and self consumed, your young heart just did not see it then, you are definitely a different person now and you should be very proud of that. I hope that talking to him has helped you put him out of your head....and heart. What if's always cloud ones mind and NEVER make things better. Love

Tammy said...

Good to confront it Sheri... as you see, the "love" would not have been worth it if it would have worked out. Still sucks though, that this guy can hold a piece of your heart. I do hope that piece is replaced with peace very soon. (((((hugs)))))

Tatiana said...

Oh how I relate, my friend...