Thanks to Sheri for allowing me to be her guest poster. Sheri knows that I am a foul mouthed something-or-other, plus, she gave me FREEDOM to post about anything I wanted, so let's have some fun today!
My husband and I have fought for 21 years. At times they are knock-down-drag-out fights that have me running out of the house, so angry that I could cheerfully run over him with my car, and driving either to my mom's grave site, where I sit and bemoan the shit-bowl that is my life, or to my office, where I sit in quiet darkness and bemoan the shit-bowl that is my life.
Most of the time, however, we merely bicker back and forth, and this is the part of married life I love. I just love fuckin' with him.................. Here's some random exchanges between the hubster and I:
Me: "Honey, I think we should have cute little pet names for each other, like some married couples do. You know, like Snookums and Honeybunch.... shit like that."
Him: "Mel, stop cursing."
Me: "Stop CENSORING me!"
Him: "What kind of names are you talking about?"
Me: "Well, I have already come up with one for you.........Homey G. Do you like it?"
Him: "Homey what?"
Me: "What, is something wrong with your hearing? Homey G, man."
Him: "What does the G stand for?"
Me: "Mean-ass Motherfucker..."
Him: "Mel, that is ridiculous. None of that starts with G, there's no G even anywhere in it!"
Me: "See how argumentative you are? You must not want to save our marrige at all. Every time I try to put myself out there for you, you just SHOOT me down! That's what you are, Homey G, a SHOOTER! Why don't you just shoot me and put me out of your MISERY!"
Him: "Calm down... I've thought of a pet name for you too..........."
Me: "Really, honey? See what a wonderful man you are? I knew if you just took that first step, we could make each other happy. So what's my name?"
And this one:
Him: "Mel, you've got to get this house cleaned up. There's no where to walk, no where to sit down, I can't even find a place to set my plate down."
Me: "Homey G, do you see how you nag me? This is what I mean when I say you are STIFLING me!"
Him: "Mel, I'm not trying to stifle you. Look, did you even see where the puppie pooped over here? Were you going to pick that up? I mean, Mel, if someone saw this place, they could take our KIDS!"
Me: "Ha! We should be so lucky. (*at the top of my lungs) Hopie! Get your ass in here and clean up the puppy shit! Right NOW!"
Him: "Mel, do you have to curse?"
Me: "Homey G, do you have to CENSOR me?"
*as a side note? The puppy had pooped in her cage, not in the middle of the floor. And my house is not so bad that anyone, anywhere would take my kids. Yes, there are clothes scattered about in the floor. Yes, there are usually dirty dishes. And yes, there are even some cobwebs hanging from the ceiling fan. But there are no health hazzards, no rats, no roaches. And every Saturday night and Sunday, I do plenty of housework. So there.
Him: "Were you gonna cook tonight?"
Me: "I WAS, but I decided not to."
Him: "And why not, may I ask?"
Me: "Because everyone here is an asshole, and they are mean to me."
Him: "Maybe they are all just so hungry they are ready to eat each other.........."
Me: "See how you are? You all treat me like shit! I just can't take this anymore! (putting hands over my face, and peeking out to see if he is buying any of this) I'm living in the bowels of hell! My home is a giant pit of despair! I'm going to bed; I simply cannot face this cruel world one more moment!"
Him: (shaking his head, mumbling under his breath) "She should have been a damn actress."
One more, for the road:
Me: "Honey, may I borrow 50 dollars?"
Him: "No. What for?"
Me: "A new pair of shoes. I just had a pedicure and my feet are so happy, they need to be showcased in a new pair of sandals!"
Him: "You should have done your own pedicure and spent your money on new shoes."
Me: "Do you see how greedy you are, Homey G? I find something I can feel good about and you have to KNOCK me on my ASS, as usual!"
Him: "What's to feel good about? You got your toenails painted! Big deal!"
Me: "What's to feel good about? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Look at my toes! My pedicure guy is a FUCKING artist!"
Him: "Stop cursing! We need to some serious sex...."
Me: "You're CENSORING me! You CAD! MY half of we cannot possibly have sex with someone so negative. And someone so GREEDY that he will not allow me to showcase my beautiful new toes! You're stifling my creativity!"
Him: (mumbling "Sweet Jesus, not again.") YOU'RE stifling my sex life!
Me: "I live on an IDIOT farm! I'm going to bed!"
Him: "Now there's a surprise..."
Have a great day, bloggers!