Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I Cried

I remember the day we brought Hannah home from the hospital. We had a carseat and I knew how to use it but I suddenly grew 3 more arms and hands that got in the way as I tried to buckle her in. I pinched my own finger and broke a nail while Hannah just laid there looking at me.

"Do you want me to hook her in Hon?" asked Gary. "No... I want to do it" I replied to him as I wiggled myself into the backseat.

I felt like the entire free world was watching me and judging. "Um, doctor. Maybe we should rethink this. Look at this woman.... she can't even put her kid into a carseat. What in heaven's name makes us think she can clothe and feed this child for 18+ years?" I felt like I should crawl under a rock but what I really wanted was to get the heck out of there before they changed their minds and made me give her back due to my total lack of baby knowledge.

I finally got her strapped in and after a quick hug from the nurses and picking up the bag of assorted goodies provided free to new moms at the hospital.... we were on our way. I sat in the back seat with Hannah so I could stare at her all the way home. She had to be in a rear facing car seat and I needed to be able to look at her. It's hard to explain in words but I felt like I was on the outside looking in. After wanting a baby for so long.... here I was... with a child, my child, in my car and heading to my house, with a child, and NO INSTRUCTIONS ON SAID CHILD. My friend, Sherry, over at the Horkin Ramblings has written about this wonderfully in this post. Bless her heart, she has twins... so double the fear!

A year later, it was hard to remember what it was like those first, scary weeks. I remember crying because I couldn't get her diaper on the same way the nurses did. It was always too loose. I cried because she had gas and couldn't get rid of it. I cried because she didn't poop good. I cried from exhaustion of being up every 2 hours. I cried because I didn't know what the heck I was doing. I carried my Dr. Spock book around with me and had passages memorized but lo and behold.... she didn't always go by the book.

Then it began to get easier for me. I began to know my child. After a while, I could strap her into her car seat with one hand while holding a diaperbag and pocketbook in the other. I knew what her different cries meant..... I'm wet, I'm hungry, I'm bored, I'm tired or I'm just plain ol' cranky. The sound of her laughter was sweeter than any music I'd ever heard and her smile brought a warmth to my heart I'd never felt before.

Then the day came that I cried because they wanted her back.**

**edited to add......the adoption was contested. I'll have to post about that nightmare another time.


Marie said...

Whoa, you caught me off guard on this...wanted her back? Have I missed something?

Do I need to go back and read previous posts or am I losing my mind completely, because that last line just really slammed me.

This is a great post. I remember those feelings of bringing home the girls...scary shit. And, the gas...my girls both lived on gas drops for the first six months.

Please, fill me in on what I missed here.....I'm totally intrigued.

Heather said...

Sweet post...but the cliff hanger - just mean, I tell ya!!

Sharpie said...

What, What??

I think I read that wrong - going back to read.

(And I remember that SAME feeling - Holy Shit A. punch the gas - they let us out of here (stupid, stupid them - I have NO IDEA what to do with a BABY!!)

Sarah said...

Aw, you have me crying too. You are a fantastic mother, Sheri.
And belated Happy Birthday to you! I really intended to email you yesterday...the day got away from me somehow!
Hugs to you.

Larry said...

OK, I'm riveted. I can't wait to read the next part!

lime said...

oh my, that that last line must have been a nightmare. i am so sorry you had to go through that.

Anonymous said...

I think you should publish another blog explaining what happened when they wanted her back? Those bastards
You handled it very well.

. said...

Holy shat. I think I need to go back and read some more too. DID I miss something? I read and remembered so many of the same feelings...until the end anyway.

sherry said...

That little girl has grown up to be such a doll. You've obviously come a Lonnnnnnnnng way.

And, whaaaaaaaaaaaa? They wanted wha??? IS there something you haven't told me/us/the entire internet????


Sandi said...

I won't give up the secret, but I am glad for you and Gary.

Chicka said...


ccw said...

A beautiful post!

Thanks for editing, I was confused yesterday.

DixieDarlin' said...

God Bless you!!!! My husband is adopted, and this story just touches us so deeply. Would love to hear the rest, but only if you are up to it. Hannah is still with you, so it obviously turned out well....maybe the rest of us don't really need to know, but just be glad for your little girl and that she is with her loving parents.

melodyann said...

Geez, after the last comment, I just don't know what to say anymore. The Big Swallow? What the fuck?

Anyways, Sheri, you are a wonderful mother, and believe me, carrying a baby in your uterus for nine months does not give you the inside scoop on how to raise the little boogers. I have felt the exact same stuff you felt. Did I say "have felt?" Good God, wait till she's a teenager, if you want to feel like a stupid ass most of the time.......

Heidi said...

oh, sheri... I had no idea you have been through so much with Hannah! ((((HUGS))))

Happy belated birthday, hon! I hope your special day was great.

(and I think everyone feels like a total idiot when they bring home their first baby. I know I did!) :)